Christmas Gnome is a Parody song based on Maroon 5's Pay Phone.
Every year, Santa travels the world delivering millions of presents to boys and girls. These gifts are opened and adored by children everywhere. They marvel at new bikes, electronics, games, balls, make-up, crayons, crafts, gum, candy, cookies, phones, puppies, books and ipads.
Yes, Santa deserves credit as the head of this vast undertaking, but the media for centuries has been perpetrating this myth that everything in Christmas town is awesome. They say Santa eats cookies all year long and then his presents are magically in his sleigh. Well I’m writing to tell you how it really is. Contrary to what some believe, we do not always have snow, everything doesn’t get done with a song; the walls to our houses are not made of some type of concrete cookie dough or made with candy cane furniture. How absurd that even sounds to write. The reindeer don’t run around playing reindeer games. They need constant attention, feeding and exercise on a regular basis.
Santa does not—I repeat does not—do all of that work alone. He has, at last count, 17,419 staff members working year round making sure things get done. With another five to six thousand in temporary staff pulled in as early as October to assist. And lately he’s been outsourcing his IT department. The two “glory” tasks—the making of presents and baking of cookies—are done by the Christmas elves. And that’s ALL THEY DO.
But who do you think does all the other tasks? That’s right, the group no one ever wants to talk about. We come in after the elves are done and we pick up the tape and the shredded wrapping paper. We do the dishes, make the beds, and vacuum the floors. When one of our very real—not made from candy-- homes springs a leak in the roof, do you think its Santa up on that roof fixing it? Or an elf? No way, it’s us, the ones that keep the North Pole running--the Christmas Gnomes.
We make up over twelve thousand of the Christmas staff, yet we’re never talked about! Why, why, why aren’t we ever mentioned? Kids love to hear about the elves that make their cookies or put together their presents. They think so kindly of the old man that brings them all their gifts. Why can’t they show a little love for the gnome that cleaned the toilet or swept the floors? Not glorious enough for them? Too proud to cheer for the janitors of Christmas? Would it kill them to leave us a freakin’ cookie once in a while?
So Rex, I ask you—as your biggest admirer—tell your fans about us and have them give a little shout out to the Christmas Gnomes this Christmas Eve.
Your biggest fan,
PS. You’ll never guess the job I got this year.