Here are the top 15 clean jokes and puns of 2018. These clean jokes are perfect for everyone's humor. #cleanjokes #funnyjokes
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Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Most common lies ever told:
“I didn’t do it”
“I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions”
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Q: What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?
A: Cha Ching!
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other’s houses, right?
Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said Paddy.
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” “Thank you very much, sir.”
George W. Bush visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: “You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra…”
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Patient: “I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee.”
Doctor: “Try taking the spoon out.”
Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: “What are you doing these days?”
Utkarsh: “Wow! You’re a doctor!”
Sparsh: “No, Pizza Home Delivery.”